(extra credit to anyone who knows where this entry title came from)
This morning, while reading my beloved Psychology Today, I came across an article on how difficult mothers end up raising children who have to develop sometimes-detrimental manners of coping with having their initial nurturer treat them abrasively.
A long excerpt:
"The difficult mother imposes her dilemma harshly -- with unpredictable and ferocious anger, punitive inflexibility, rigid expectations, and expressions of neediness that take priority over a child's needs. Envy may compound the mix. Sure, many mothers show anger, inflexibility, neediness and elements of envy from time to time. But it's the routine use of such behaviors that distinguishes difficult mothers and sets up a coercive relationship.
A child does not have the option to say to a mother, I don't care whether you think I'm bad, or, I am not frightened by the prospect of your leaving me. A primitive panic at rejection lasts long after the infant's physical helplessness comes to an end.
Children are therefore likely to work hard to adopt special strategies to protect themselves from a mother's rejection. The particular strategies a difficult mother poses on a child are ruled by fear, anxiety, and confusion. And each mother's particular brand of difficult shapes the strategies that a child develops. . .
[These children's] aim in personal interactions is to please and placate, rather than to genuinely engage. They may be primed to respond with compliance to outbursts or even hints of anger in others; they may assume that others are behaving appropriately in expressing anger towards them. In some cases, they may even be attracted to people whose anger is easily aroused -- because they associate that behavior with attachment and authority."
After this paragraph, I stopped reading. My mind started buzzing. I had never before wondered about my mother's role in my abusive relationships. And as I write this now, I think it's incredibly cliched -- yes yes, blame the mother. But is there something here? Is there something to this?
When people find out I've been in not one, but 2.5 abusive relationships (Mark was a nasty person, with severe emotional disorders, but to his credit (?) he said "I never hit you. I wanted to, but I didn't." He was emotionally and verbally abusive, but very proud of himself that he drew the line at physical. So let's call that a half.) people always ask, "Did your dad beat your mom?" No. Never. Actually my parents (now divorced) never fought. And when I told my dad I knew he and my mom were wrong for each other since I was a child, he asked how I knew. "It's not that there was fighting," I answered, "it's that there wasn't even talking." It was a very quiet household, with the kind of peacefulness that is charged with tension. The kind that you are always afraid to set off, so you behave very carefully, treading a delicate line, to maintain the silence, afraid that anything else would be infinitely worse.
And when I first dated H in 2006, the man who started the horrible cycle that I'm just now getting out of, I attributed the abuse to his history -- his father had beaten his mother during H's entire childhood. And what really horrified me about the situation is that H's mother would take his two sisters and go to a hotel room, but would leave H at home with his raging father. H told me about how there was a bathroom in his parents' Victorian home that had a door into the hallway, and a door into the master bedroom, and he would run into it, trying to lock both doors before his father could reach him. He told me of sneaking a phone into there, trying to call the police, but his father unplugged it. 'What kind of mother,' I thought, 'leaves behind one of her children?' Ironically, H's mother questioned my role before I ever did. When H called his mother after 6 months of frequently punching, choking, shoving, burning, and harassing me, his mother (who is still with his father) said only, "Promise not to see her again."
After H, in 2008, I ended up with R (who, as far as I know, has no history of domestic violence in his family). I started wondering what it was about me that made people do this to me -- after all, H had never hit a girlfriend before. R had been controlling and jealous, but I don't think he had ever been abusive to the extent he was with me. What was it about me that brought this out in men? I spoke to a therapist about it, and he said it wasn't that I made men do this to me, it's that after I became accustomed to being treated like this, it's what I expect, so I somehow felt comfortable when later boyfriends treated me this way. I just assumed that this all began with H, that's where I became accustomed to it, that there was no earlier foundation.
But now, looking back, was I wrong? Is my relationship with my mother what set me up for my relationships with H, then R, then Mark?
My mother is. . .somewhere on the Autistic spectrum, and she has severe depression. Or maybe it looks more severe to me because of her Autistic tendencies. Or maybe it's harder to treat because of the Autistic tendencies. What I think about most about my mother is how she complains to me that "when you were a baby, I had to hold you all the time. If I ever put you down, you cried." She doesn't say this in a charming way, like 'Oh I have a baby that loves me and is very connected with me.' She complains about it. She makes it clear to me that I took over her life 24 hours a day, and she resented every minute of it. She still resents it. Once, when I asked her why, if she quit teaching elementary school because she hated children, she then had four of her own, and she said, "I didn't want kids, your father did. And then he got to go to work every day and I got stuck raising you." I have vivid memories of being in my mom's bedroom upstairs, watching her car drive away with my siblings to a holiday party, or some other celebration, leaving me at home because I wasn't behaving. I remember stapling through my finger, and crying about it, and how my mother refused to tend to my finger until the crying stopped (she was this way about broken bones too, and even then we were sent to our room until we stopped crying). I remember coming home on Thanksgiving break from college and admitting to my parents that I had an eating disorder, and after a long conversation full of tears, my mom telling me to go to take a nap and calm down, and when I woke up, my whole family was gone -- had left for Thanksgiving dinner without me. That night my mom told her siblings that I had stayed home because I was sick, and she later told me she was too embarrassed to have them see me. I also remember my mother "spanking" us all the time. One of the most commonly-heard phrases of my youth was, "Come down here so I can spank you!" I remember threatening my mother that if she ever "spanker" my younger (by 6 years) sister, I would hit her. I remember the first time I realized that I was taller and stronger than my mother, and telling her if she dared to hit me again, I would hit her right back.
Thinking about all of this, it seems ridiculous to suggest that it could not have impacted my future relationships. People ask how I didn't see hints of how H was before the abuse started. Well, yes, he did the typical abuser priming -- act perfect until you trust him, too good to be true, and then once he knows you're too far in to leave, he slowly starts shaking your self-confidence, breaking you down little by little until you will take whatever it is he doles out. But maybe there were hints of his aggression, of his authoritative personality. And maybe I strove to pacify him, maybe I have imprinted on myself the need to placate those who are quick to anger after years of attempting to please my mother, to do anything to get her to actually show her love for me. Maybe, as independent as I like to think I am, I don't actually stand on my own at all.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Happiness Project
Lawyers are notoriously unhappy. Look at all the books on the topic:
* Melcher's The Creative Lawyer: A Practical Guide to Authentic Professional Satisfaction
* Levit's The Happy Lawyer: Making a Good Life in the Law
* Schreiter's The Happy Lawyer: How to Gain More Satisfaction, Suffer Less Stress and Enjoy Higher Earnings in Your Law Practice
* Parker's The Unhappy Lawyer: A Roadmap to Finding Meaningful Work Outside of the Law
* Melcher's The Creative Lawyer: A Practical Guide to Authentic Professional Satisfaction
* Levit's The Happy Lawyer: Making a Good Life in the Law
* Schreiter's The Happy Lawyer: How to Gain More Satisfaction, Suffer Less Stress and Enjoy Higher Earnings in Your Law Practice
* Parker's The Unhappy Lawyer: A Roadmap to Finding Meaningful Work Outside of the Law
* Happy Hour is for Amateurs: A Lost Decade in the World's Worst Profession
* Fort Collins's own Kevin Houchin's book, Fuel the Spark: 5 Guiding Values for Success in Law and Life
And then there was Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project (which I had read about previously, particularly in Psychology Today, but had rejected as too kitschy). . .But now I am taking another look.
"After graduating from law school in the early 1990s, Rubin served as a law clerk for the US Supreme Court. This job is perhaps the sweetest plum in the American legal orchard. It practically guarantees a career of high-level positions in law firms and government.
But during her stint, Rubin's eyes wandered away from the law.
"When I had free time, I never wanted to talk about cases or read law journals, the way my fellow clerks did. Instead, I spent hours reading, taking notes and writing my observations about the worldly passions – power, money, fame and sex," Rubin says.
"Finally, I realised, 'Hey, I'm writing a book.' And it dawned on me that some people write books for a living. This project didn't have to be my hobby; it could be my job."
She wrote her first book – Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide – and soon she realised that she wasn't a lawyer. She was a writer."
And I'm starting to think that maybe the best way to be a happy lawyer is to not be a lawyer at all.
* Fort Collins's own Kevin Houchin's book, Fuel the Spark: 5 Guiding Values for Success in Law and Life
And then there was Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project (which I had read about previously, particularly in Psychology Today, but had rejected as too kitschy). . .But now I am taking another look.
"After graduating from law school in the early 1990s, Rubin served as a law clerk for the US Supreme Court. This job is perhaps the sweetest plum in the American legal orchard. It practically guarantees a career of high-level positions in law firms and government.
But during her stint, Rubin's eyes wandered away from the law.
"When I had free time, I never wanted to talk about cases or read law journals, the way my fellow clerks did. Instead, I spent hours reading, taking notes and writing my observations about the worldly passions – power, money, fame and sex," Rubin says.
"Finally, I realised, 'Hey, I'm writing a book.' And it dawned on me that some people write books for a living. This project didn't have to be my hobby; it could be my job."
She wrote her first book – Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide – and soon she realised that she wasn't a lawyer. She was a writer."
And I'm starting to think that maybe the best way to be a happy lawyer is to not be a lawyer at all.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Reasons Why I Hate Today
1) The plumber said he was coming at 8 am, so I woke up at 7 am, and by the time I left the house at 8:45 for my class at the gym, he still had not shown up.
2) I had a huge stack of papers I needed to be scanned onto a CD at Kinko's, at $10/disc plus $0.89/page, and I gave the girl the first document, and she put it onto one disc, then told me she had to charge me separately for each disc because she didn't realize I needed the entire stack of papers scanned. Why else would I be holding them, organizing them, on the counter? I argued her, and she only charged me for 1 CD. But still. Seriously.
3) A girl was on the phone, and stopped to have her very serious conversation right in front of the door at Kinko's, blocking my exit. So I pushed the door open past her, and she fell off balance. Who stops to talk blocking an entire public doorway?
4) My pro bono client now owes me $235 that I have paid out of my own pocket, not to mention the $15,000 in free services I have given her. And she never fucking pays. I'm losing my mind on this case. Oh, and my income. And she can't be bothered to respond to me half the time, but when she needs me at midnight on a Saturday I'd better fuckin be available to her.
5) My puppy's breeder won't give me a refund for his purchase price, even though he's going to cost me about $4000 to get healthy. She said if I put him down she'll give me a new puppy for free. FANTASTIC. She knows just what I wanted!
6) My boyfriend is transferring bases in a year and a half, and that puts a lot of pressure on us to figure things out sooner than we would otherwise, and he's being a bit too relaxed for my tastes about this all. I don't think he gets how serious this is. I can't just move across the country (or world) without a job, or some kind of income, or some kind of plan so that he's not supporting me, my two dogs, and my two horses on his current single officer's income. "We'll figure it out," doesn't seem reasonable to me when I'll need to take another bar exam and find a job in this economy. Plus, who will hire a military wife that they know will only be there for 2-3 years? Oh right, no one. And opening up my own shop somewhere else means building up a client base. But not everywhere is supportive of sole practioners' offices. Particularly big towns. Like LA. Where he wants to go.
I hate this day.
2) I had a huge stack of papers I needed to be scanned onto a CD at Kinko's, at $10/disc plus $0.89/page, and I gave the girl the first document, and she put it onto one disc, then told me she had to charge me separately for each disc because she didn't realize I needed the entire stack of papers scanned. Why else would I be holding them, organizing them, on the counter? I argued her, and she only charged me for 1 CD. But still. Seriously.
3) A girl was on the phone, and stopped to have her very serious conversation right in front of the door at Kinko's, blocking my exit. So I pushed the door open past her, and she fell off balance. Who stops to talk blocking an entire public doorway?
4) My pro bono client now owes me $235 that I have paid out of my own pocket, not to mention the $15,000 in free services I have given her. And she never fucking pays. I'm losing my mind on this case. Oh, and my income. And she can't be bothered to respond to me half the time, but when she needs me at midnight on a Saturday I'd better fuckin be available to her.
5) My puppy's breeder won't give me a refund for his purchase price, even though he's going to cost me about $4000 to get healthy. She said if I put him down she'll give me a new puppy for free. FANTASTIC. She knows just what I wanted!
6) My boyfriend is transferring bases in a year and a half, and that puts a lot of pressure on us to figure things out sooner than we would otherwise, and he's being a bit too relaxed for my tastes about this all. I don't think he gets how serious this is. I can't just move across the country (or world) without a job, or some kind of income, or some kind of plan so that he's not supporting me, my two dogs, and my two horses on his current single officer's income. "We'll figure it out," doesn't seem reasonable to me when I'll need to take another bar exam and find a job in this economy. Plus, who will hire a military wife that they know will only be there for 2-3 years? Oh right, no one. And opening up my own shop somewhere else means building up a client base. But not everywhere is supportive of sole practioners' offices. Particularly big towns. Like LA. Where he wants to go.
I hate this day.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Round One: Fail
So, I am not pregnant. Got another negative test today, but I'm definitely about to have my period. It's weird though, definitely worse symptoms than usual (I won't go into details, because I want anyone who reads this to keep reading this), and earlier than usual. I almost wonder if last weekend's symptoms mixed with what I'm feeling now means that something started happening, if a valiant effort was made by my little egg, and then it resigned? I am not a doctor, and I don't even know as much about fertility as you'd think a surrogate would -- since I've never had fertility problems, I've done much more research on the pregnancy part than on the conception part. But I am hyper-aware of my body, especially since starting CrossFit, and I know something was different this month.
What's weird about coming to this realization, though, is that I'm not upset. I went through the sadness earlier this week when I started realizing the pregnancy symptoms had subsided, that things weren't quite "right." Now I'm just getting ready for next month, which will be much more "scientific."
We will use Robitussin to thin my cervical mucus (I guess so it's easier for the sperm to penetrate - like I said, I'm not a great researcher, that's Kira's job), and we will use an ovulation predictor kit. Not that it necessarily matters either, but I've been told that you should wait 3 months after a miscarriage to try to get pregnant again, but two nights ago I read in Women's Health that new research shows this to be untrue. According to new studies, women who get pregnant the month after a miscarriage are 60% more likely to carry a pregnancy to term. Or 60% of women who conceive the month after a miscarriage carrying their baby to term. I don't remember exactly, but I know it's 60%. I think it's the first, since miscarriage rates are only 15-40% (20s-40s age range, respectively).
On a treating myself well note, when I got my massage yesterday, I showed the woman exactly where my knot was. And guess what? It's still there. I'm going to be spending some quality time with a lacrosse ball today.
Hopefully, also, I'll go horseback riding and/or climbing. The weather is beautiful, my boyfriend is coming home Friday, I'm going skiing this weekend. I am alright.
What's weird about coming to this realization, though, is that I'm not upset. I went through the sadness earlier this week when I started realizing the pregnancy symptoms had subsided, that things weren't quite "right." Now I'm just getting ready for next month, which will be much more "scientific."
We will use Robitussin to thin my cervical mucus (I guess so it's easier for the sperm to penetrate - like I said, I'm not a great researcher, that's Kira's job), and we will use an ovulation predictor kit. Not that it necessarily matters either, but I've been told that you should wait 3 months after a miscarriage to try to get pregnant again, but two nights ago I read in Women's Health that new research shows this to be untrue. According to new studies, women who get pregnant the month after a miscarriage are 60% more likely to carry a pregnancy to term. Or 60% of women who conceive the month after a miscarriage carrying their baby to term. I don't remember exactly, but I know it's 60%. I think it's the first, since miscarriage rates are only 15-40% (20s-40s age range, respectively).
On a treating myself well note, when I got my massage yesterday, I showed the woman exactly where my knot was. And guess what? It's still there. I'm going to be spending some quality time with a lacrosse ball today.
Hopefully, also, I'll go horseback riding and/or climbing. The weather is beautiful, my boyfriend is coming home Friday, I'm going skiing this weekend. I am alright.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
March Madness (title stolen from Kira)
So I didn't take another pregnancy test today, because frankly, I'm tired of the emotions of feeling like my body says one thing, tests say another, but sometimes my body agrees with the tests then all of a sudden it pivots back.
I'm Judy (Jewdy) Moody these days - not sure why. Either PMS hormones, or pregnancy hormones, or missing my boyfriend who is out of town, or hating my job (which I do, seriously, hate), or financial stress, or maybe just because my eyes are tired while I'm waiting for my new glasses to come in. Really, it could be a combination of anything.
So I'm trying to be good to myself today, to cheer myself up. I have a massage scheduled this morning (I have a wicked knot in my left trap), and I'm going to the gym at 5:30 (because the days when I am too grumpy to work out are precisely the days when I should work out). And then I'll go to my fantastic coworking office tonight and try to do some writing.
On the upside, rationally, by the time we know for sure I'm not pregnant, only two weeks until we can start trying again! And, in those weeks, I can drink wine ;-) See? there are upsides to everything ;-)
An "article" I saw posted on facebook today, for anyone interested:
Riding while pregnant
I'm Judy (Jewdy) Moody these days - not sure why. Either PMS hormones, or pregnancy hormones, or missing my boyfriend who is out of town, or hating my job (which I do, seriously, hate), or financial stress, or maybe just because my eyes are tired while I'm waiting for my new glasses to come in. Really, it could be a combination of anything.
So I'm trying to be good to myself today, to cheer myself up. I have a massage scheduled this morning (I have a wicked knot in my left trap), and I'm going to the gym at 5:30 (because the days when I am too grumpy to work out are precisely the days when I should work out). And then I'll go to my fantastic coworking office tonight and try to do some writing.
On the upside, rationally, by the time we know for sure I'm not pregnant, only two weeks until we can start trying again! And, in those weeks, I can drink wine ;-) See? there are upsides to everything ;-)
An "article" I saw posted on facebook today, for anyone interested:
Riding while pregnant
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