Update

This is more an update about the relationship than an update about the pregnancy, because my head's still all over the place on that one.

Here's the time line of my bipolar relationship:

3/30-4/4 -- great trip to Philadelphia with Matt. He says he wants us to have a girl so we can name her Harper. He's clearly very excited about everything
4/5 -- Matt asks for a paternity test. Seriously.
4/6 -- we talk about everything, about why him asking for a paternity test upset me. things go back to normal
4/10 -- we set a date for the wedding, start planning things
4/13 -- I come home from prenatal yoga, and Matt says he's not ready to get married
4/15 -- Matt comes back and apologizes
4/17 -- Matt asks me to have an abortion
4/18 -- Matt sends me a very long apology, saying he's lived a selfish life for the past few years only serving his immediate needs, it's been a shallow existence, he sees that life with me is so much more important, that our child and me are a blessing and he'll do anything he can to make our relationship work. That night we go to therapy, where Matt basically repeats this all to our therapist.
4/20 -- bad ultrasound
4/21 -- Matt says he needs the weekend alone without me because he is so angry, he wants his selfish life back because he was happier there. He says the night before, when I was suffering from the bad ultrasound news, he just kept thinking, "I can't wait to break up with her." He actually says to me that if I am having a miscarriage, he'd only stick around long enough to get me through it, then he'd leave. He says if I had an abortion, he'd do the same thing. Get me through it, then leave. He can't understand why this is so horrible to me. Why I can't stand the thought of someone faking support. Especially when he knows when I lost the last baby, Mark said he'd be there for me, and ran out after two days of me crying.

So that's it. I'm done.

Honestly, I feel bad for him. Because here's what I've seen for the past few months: Matt has this socially-acceptable image that he thinks he's supposed to live by, and WANTS to live by. He's supposed to marry the girl he knocks up, he's supposed to be supportive while she's throwing up from morning sickness, he's supposed to go to the doctor's appointments and get excited about the heartbeat. He's supposed to love me, the way he's said he has for three months. But he can't. He ends up faking that persona, and then he gets exhausted and the real Matt comes out. Which is fine. All I've asked him from day one is to be honest. From the FIRST DATE I told him how important that was to me, that I don't want to fall for one person only to find out he's someone different.

Matt's parents said they wished we were more confident in our relationship before conceiving a child, and the thing is, I was. I was confident in my relationship with the man Matt pretended to be. The man who has been wooing me with talk of marriage and moving bases with him and supporting me while I write and having children etc etc etc since February. And it's great that Matt thinks he wants that. But it's awful to be on the receiving end because Matt knows we work well on paper, but when push comes to shove, and the real him comes out, we don't match. What he wants in his head and what he wants in his heart are totally different. And until he can admit who he is to himself, admit what he's ready for and accept what he's not ready for, he won't be happy. He'll spend another five years alone.

Scared

Hcg level today - 46872.3

Matt and I went in for our first ultrasound today. 7 weeks, 1 day.

And you know what the doctor saw? Nothing. Not a gestational sac, not a yolk sac. Nothing. There should have been a heartbeat already.

I keep wanting to hope the doctor's U/S machine is old, the doctor isn't very good at his job, he didn't make me have a full bladder, etc etc etc. I just know this can't be right. I feel so sick all the time, I can feel this baby, so where is it?

I don't know what's next. . .

"Strays" Tim Kasher

I’ve been thinking I should write some kind of love song for you…
To prove to you I do
It shouldn’t be to hard to write
I’ll just think of that time I first saw you in Omaha
You were stranded on Jackson with a bus fare to who know’s where
I took you in, right, then and there
And life took on a new form
No more stayin out all night
No more killin ourselves just to make ourselves feel alright
No more sleepin with stranger’s and those awkward, goodbyes

I never had much family, never had too many friends
Then you came wandering through
Pompously I took you for granted
That’s why I gotta write this little, this little love song for you
I’ll sing about those Denver mornings you’d wake up bawling bout a long lost kid
Your maternal instincts were kicking in
As the sun dazzled bright upon the peaks
You brought home a dog you found in the alley
You said can we keep her? I said well, what kind of man would I be?
So you bought her a collar, and you called her your family

Writers are selfish, writers are egotists
I’m afraid I’m as bad as it gets
I keep forgetting to sensor the truth
That’s why I better write some, some kinda love song for you

We’re drivin cross country in a U-haul, on the hunt for our new home
High atop Eagle Rock, we found a house with a big back yard
So we picked up another mutt from the Crenshaw Pound
Sippin coffee on the porch while the dogs wrestle on the lawn
I’m sorry I’ve had my doubts…

We're a family of strays but together we’ve been found
We're a family of strays but together we’ve been found

Swimming in the Volcano

So, I don't know if anyone still even reads this since I haven't updated in approximately forever. . .but anyway. Here's the latest: I'm scared out of my mind.

I had a horseback riding accident three weeks ago, and while getting checked on for that, I found out I was pregnant. Now I'm 6.5 weeks along, and I'm sick as a dog. (Doing the math, it's Matt's, not Kira&Scott's, as we didn't inseminate in March). What did I eat today? Half a row of Saltines, a banana, some ginger ale. Got a massage this afternoon, and promptly threw up in the parking lot afterwards. This is AWFUL. I can't really do yoga, or eat, or do anything, because I'm so nauseous. Heck, it's 4:30 am and guess why I'm not sleeping?

Well, there's the nausea. There's also Matt. Who has dropped a giant bomb on me. After we found out we were pregnant, there was much talk of getting married. It was super important to Matt that we marry before the baby comes. And I love him to death, so I was on board. Was it early? Yes. Did I think we could make it? Absolutely.

So two days ago, I come home from prenatal yoga, feeling horrible, and Matt says he doesn't want to get married. He's not ready, he wants more time. But as this all unfolds, it turns out Matt is seriously unhappy in our relationship. He has complaints left and right. I feel like I've just been thrown into a volcano. We were in totally different relationships. All he's ever said was, "I'm so lucky to come home to you" and "I had such a great weekend" and "I'm really happy" etc etc, because Matt doesn't like to say things (or hear things) that aren't completely positive. So if I did or said anything that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.

And it's an awesome thing to be a positive person, who never has anything bad to say. But, in my opinion it's more important to be honest. And I don't think honesty necessarily means you are negative. It destines a relationship to be ruined if you don't tell the person you love and live with that they're upsetting you. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that those feelings then get bottled up, and eventually explode. Not only that, it doesn't give the other person a chance to fix what they're doing, which means they keep doing it, which compounds your own frustrations.

When I went to counseling with R, our therapist talked to us about how it's important to develop rules of communication. Like telling your partner that saying "xyz" hurts you, and you'd rather they said "abc". Then, once that rule is laid out, if your partner chooses to say "xyz" instead of "abc" you know they are blatantly disregarding your feelings, and being a bad partner. But if they don't know, how can they choose to say "abc" instead?

Last night, I was thinking back through our relationship, so confused. And I thought about how Matt has hounded me (successfully) to stop cursing, how he told me he doesn't like when I say I hate things because "I sound ugly," how he asked me to "tone down my passion" in front of his parents so they could see "the sweet girl he knows is inside." And I'm starting to think, maybe Matt just doesn't like who I am. I'm pretty sure he truly loves the idea he has created of me in his head, but I don't think it lines up with who I am. He wants me to act the way he does, pretending nothing is wrong ever, not saying it when something he says or does bothers me (like when he doesn't brush his teeth before going to work in the morning, or he chomps gum), but where would that get me?

From our first date, I told Matt I was honest. You see what you get, and you know where you stand at all times. I don't expect you to read my mind, I expect good communication. I don't play games. And he said, at that point, that he liked it. That he was the same way. He said, "if anything I do bothers you, let me know instead of bottling it up." Turns out, not so much.

And yes, I can be "East Coast." I can be rough around the edges, and say things in a tone I don't know I'm saying them in. And sometimes, I can be a bitch. But when I know that I have been, I feel awful about it. Because I would never hurt anyone intentionally, ever. And if I knew I was hurting someone, I would do my best to stop it immediately.

So where does this leave me? *sigh* I guess this is how people become single parents. . .