Update

This is more an update about the relationship than an update about the pregnancy, because my head's still all over the place on that one.

Here's the time line of my bipolar relationship:

3/30-4/4 -- great trip to Philadelphia with Matt. He says he wants us to have a girl so we can name her Harper. He's clearly very excited about everything
4/5 -- Matt asks for a paternity test. Seriously.
4/6 -- we talk about everything, about why him asking for a paternity test upset me. things go back to normal
4/10 -- we set a date for the wedding, start planning things
4/13 -- I come home from prenatal yoga, and Matt says he's not ready to get married
4/15 -- Matt comes back and apologizes
4/17 -- Matt asks me to have an abortion
4/18 -- Matt sends me a very long apology, saying he's lived a selfish life for the past few years only serving his immediate needs, it's been a shallow existence, he sees that life with me is so much more important, that our child and me are a blessing and he'll do anything he can to make our relationship work. That night we go to therapy, where Matt basically repeats this all to our therapist.
4/20 -- bad ultrasound
4/21 -- Matt says he needs the weekend alone without me because he is so angry, he wants his selfish life back because he was happier there. He says the night before, when I was suffering from the bad ultrasound news, he just kept thinking, "I can't wait to break up with her." He actually says to me that if I am having a miscarriage, he'd only stick around long enough to get me through it, then he'd leave. He says if I had an abortion, he'd do the same thing. Get me through it, then leave. He can't understand why this is so horrible to me. Why I can't stand the thought of someone faking support. Especially when he knows when I lost the last baby, Mark said he'd be there for me, and ran out after two days of me crying.

So that's it. I'm done.

Honestly, I feel bad for him. Because here's what I've seen for the past few months: Matt has this socially-acceptable image that he thinks he's supposed to live by, and WANTS to live by. He's supposed to marry the girl he knocks up, he's supposed to be supportive while she's throwing up from morning sickness, he's supposed to go to the doctor's appointments and get excited about the heartbeat. He's supposed to love me, the way he's said he has for three months. But he can't. He ends up faking that persona, and then he gets exhausted and the real Matt comes out. Which is fine. All I've asked him from day one is to be honest. From the FIRST DATE I told him how important that was to me, that I don't want to fall for one person only to find out he's someone different.

Matt's parents said they wished we were more confident in our relationship before conceiving a child, and the thing is, I was. I was confident in my relationship with the man Matt pretended to be. The man who has been wooing me with talk of marriage and moving bases with him and supporting me while I write and having children etc etc etc since February. And it's great that Matt thinks he wants that. But it's awful to be on the receiving end because Matt knows we work well on paper, but when push comes to shove, and the real him comes out, we don't match. What he wants in his head and what he wants in his heart are totally different. And until he can admit who he is to himself, admit what he's ready for and accept what he's not ready for, he won't be happy. He'll spend another five years alone.