Swimming in the Volcano

So, I don't know if anyone still even reads this since I haven't updated in approximately forever. . .but anyway. Here's the latest: I'm scared out of my mind.

I had a horseback riding accident three weeks ago, and while getting checked on for that, I found out I was pregnant. Now I'm 6.5 weeks along, and I'm sick as a dog. (Doing the math, it's Matt's, not Kira&Scott's, as we didn't inseminate in March). What did I eat today? Half a row of Saltines, a banana, some ginger ale. Got a massage this afternoon, and promptly threw up in the parking lot afterwards. This is AWFUL. I can't really do yoga, or eat, or do anything, because I'm so nauseous. Heck, it's 4:30 am and guess why I'm not sleeping?

Well, there's the nausea. There's also Matt. Who has dropped a giant bomb on me. After we found out we were pregnant, there was much talk of getting married. It was super important to Matt that we marry before the baby comes. And I love him to death, so I was on board. Was it early? Yes. Did I think we could make it? Absolutely.

So two days ago, I come home from prenatal yoga, feeling horrible, and Matt says he doesn't want to get married. He's not ready, he wants more time. But as this all unfolds, it turns out Matt is seriously unhappy in our relationship. He has complaints left and right. I feel like I've just been thrown into a volcano. We were in totally different relationships. All he's ever said was, "I'm so lucky to come home to you" and "I had such a great weekend" and "I'm really happy" etc etc, because Matt doesn't like to say things (or hear things) that aren't completely positive. So if I did or said anything that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.

And it's an awesome thing to be a positive person, who never has anything bad to say. But, in my opinion it's more important to be honest. And I don't think honesty necessarily means you are negative. It destines a relationship to be ruined if you don't tell the person you love and live with that they're upsetting you. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that those feelings then get bottled up, and eventually explode. Not only that, it doesn't give the other person a chance to fix what they're doing, which means they keep doing it, which compounds your own frustrations.

When I went to counseling with R, our therapist talked to us about how it's important to develop rules of communication. Like telling your partner that saying "xyz" hurts you, and you'd rather they said "abc". Then, once that rule is laid out, if your partner chooses to say "xyz" instead of "abc" you know they are blatantly disregarding your feelings, and being a bad partner. But if they don't know, how can they choose to say "abc" instead?

Last night, I was thinking back through our relationship, so confused. And I thought about how Matt has hounded me (successfully) to stop cursing, how he told me he doesn't like when I say I hate things because "I sound ugly," how he asked me to "tone down my passion" in front of his parents so they could see "the sweet girl he knows is inside." And I'm starting to think, maybe Matt just doesn't like who I am. I'm pretty sure he truly loves the idea he has created of me in his head, but I don't think it lines up with who I am. He wants me to act the way he does, pretending nothing is wrong ever, not saying it when something he says or does bothers me (like when he doesn't brush his teeth before going to work in the morning, or he chomps gum), but where would that get me?

From our first date, I told Matt I was honest. You see what you get, and you know where you stand at all times. I don't expect you to read my mind, I expect good communication. I don't play games. And he said, at that point, that he liked it. That he was the same way. He said, "if anything I do bothers you, let me know instead of bottling it up." Turns out, not so much.

And yes, I can be "East Coast." I can be rough around the edges, and say things in a tone I don't know I'm saying them in. And sometimes, I can be a bitch. But when I know that I have been, I feel awful about it. Because I would never hurt anyone intentionally, ever. And if I knew I was hurting someone, I would do my best to stop it immediately.

So where does this leave me? *sigh* I guess this is how people become single parents. . .