This morning's test was negative. Not a surprise at all, since it's too early even if I am pregnant.
So, here's what's been running through my head a lot since this whole shebang started. What if I get pregnant, and it's not Scott's, it's Matthew's? I mean, Matthew and I are very careful about protection, but I've already proven that protection doesn't always work. And everyone has stories about timing not being exact, and getting pregnant nowhere near ovulation. I have this horrible scene playing in my head where I am pregnant, and Kira and Scott are so excited, and are decorating the nursery, and we get an amnio, and it's Matthew's. I even took a pregnancy test Tuesday just to make sure by some miracle (or disaster) of science, I wasn't already pregnant. I feel like no matter when I get a positive, until we get amnio results, I won't feel totally secure. Which is awesome, since amnios aren't exactly the safest thing anyway, not to mention that you don't get them until about 18 weeks into the pregnancy (halfway through?!).
Of course, B&N made me 27 times more afraid, because when I went onto the site the other day, it featured the book Inconceivable -- about a couple who uses IVF, and is accidentally inseminated with another couple's embryo. How horrible! (Also, is B&N tracking my google history?) I almost feel like even if somehow I ended up pregnant with Matthew's child, I'd want to hand the baby over to Kira because I know how utterly destroyed she would be. Can you will this stuff to work out exactly the way you want? Why is pregnancy the most complicated medical situation possible? With so many possibilities that it's never safe, you can never stop worrying, and you have zero control of it ever. . .I guess those are the very things, though, that make it such a miracle.
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